Mind Warp

The Tourist

2006-11-29T05:02:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole day stoning, watching The Strokes do their thing and have fun at the same time. I had a lot of conversations with myself; no more than the usual. And if you think that’s weird, well I’m at that place now that I don’t give a hoot whether you fit me in that label or not. Yes, it’s the young punk renaissance. It’s staging a comeback. It was really always there, since it hit me hard in August this year. It opened up a world of all things new for me. Like I said earlier, the mess, the music and one improvisation; the maturity. The music that I listen to mostly; rock and roll I realized is not at all about invincibility. It’s about knowing what’s wrong and right and doing the wrong thing anyways. It’s about knowing the full consequences of what you’re doing and doing it. Right or wrong.

I’ve been through some shit. And while I’m not about to toot my own trumpet about getting through it in public (really with friends), in my own solitude, I’m proud of getting through them all on my own. You see, it’s literally about how you react to your down fall. How you get yourself up and prepare yourself. The process is often harrowing because of the anticipation, the pain and the stinging that packs a hurtful punch. But once you get through it and look back, you either cry or smile or do both. And that should definitely count for something.

I am twenty. Twice the living. And now, more than ever is the time to take risks and do what I do best. I’ve always had issues with the way time has been compressed by society. This time around, I’m going to do things according to my own pace of time. Do things my own way. Like what Radiohead said,

Hey man, slow down, slow down,
idiot, slow down, slow down.

No competitions with the outside people. It’s me that I am to be concerned with. And I know… Sometimes the society I live in, rather the people in it will manipulate me into thinking otherwise. But if it’s one thing I’ve learnt in this 6 yr journey of soul searching, it’s that I’m always going to be that girl who is a little different. Quirky, weird, always having compassion for those dispossessed and the unfortunate and always having too many intense thoughts for me to handle. I have seldom wished for anything textbook and my head is almost always in the clouds. A bundle of contradictions, a cross between extremes, I am complicated.

And while, it is, has been and will be a long tiring and isolated journey to go on, it’s the only thing I know to be true in my life; all these years. So, as Alby put it, “I’m not gonna change til I want to.”

Life is not all haha-hehe (Meera Syal)

2006-11-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

Irony is when the famously scantily clad women of The Pussycat Dolls strutt their stuff, in their song/music video titled, "I don't need a man"

The universe is old but it always finds a way to catch up with us.

her first lil' bottle of black nailpolish...

2006-09-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

The black fingernails is a sign- of things to come. Perhaps. Or perhaps not.
Closet reveler.
Only in her own head- late at night early in the morning. Only to the one that matters she will come.

And to her, the notion of self-destruction will always be the beginning of fun.

"You really do have beautiful eyes," She smiles, nods and waits. Thanl god he didn't notice.

There's sadness in her eyes but her lenses masks them well. Well enough to get by in this superficial world. The heels, the dress, the hair, the teeth, the face, the body- all to mislead.

And even the smile- it's never plastic but it is all knowing, as if her secret face is constantly bemused at everything you do.

She is, the ultimate imposter. Beware.

It's good to feel...

2006-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've tipped my toes into the blogosphere eh? Just been busy slacking. Yes, if there's anything that I'm absolutely good at, it's slacking. And sleeping probably. And telling you which movies Robert De Niro starred in throughout his movie career. That's it. Haha.

This week has been especially enjoyable and sickening for me. It's good; the way things are right now. The last time I had hols, i was fucking numb and that didn't go too well. Turns out not feelin anything at all can have its drawbacks.

This week's been good because I've started on fiction again. Yes the dreamer in me is slowly resurfacing and the realist is taking the back seat. And frankly, I have Bhar to thank for that. It's poems and novels galore for me right now and I am enjoying it every bit. And today, shopping (as usual retail therapy always does the trick) and hanging out with Char was one of those days that leaves you feeling that all is good. Alot of ground covered; opened up a little more with our jolts of caffeine. I think it was a nice way to end the slacking week and say 'Gday!' to the week ahead; one with tons of essays to start on.

I sort of placed a moratarium on studies for the past week. I just felt that this sem, i've been up to my neck trying to stay afloat. And the i started breathing in water. That's just not cool man... I guess i have to start on my essays to avoid last semester's catastrophe. I'l get right on it then.

Before or after my melboure trip...? I can't wait to get out of my room and smell the air in a another place; literally. To see different people, to sleep on a different bed and to eat different things (long craved dishes). Here here! To melbourne- the quirky people bringing out the quirkyness in me!

And finally, radiohead and albert hammond jr. I must say I'm so into them right now. Their songs just keep making me feel closer to him i guess. There's so much to say, yet i don't want to upset what we have now. I'm better of with the way things are? And he says Fiona Apple has a such a poetic sense; what a fine man he is.

8 more weeks (yes, i've started a countdown and that can only mean one thing! O god...!) til everything's settled.
8 more weeks to family and friends.
8 more weeks to the food I crave.

8 more weeks to hope and excitement; conversations with a new-found kindred spirit

8 more weeks to the same corner of my room; chewing my hair out. I couldn't possibly do that anywhere else in the whole wide world.

The Young Punk Renaissance...

2006-08-18T10:06:00.001-07:00

It's been a crazy two weeks this time around. Crazy enough that I am constantly restless and perturbed because i have so many thoughts in my mind that overwhelm me... It's like they are all spilling out in the process of cramming into my brain.

I am dreaming about what I would dream in my dream.

And then after all that craziness, flightiness and hysteria, there comes a moment where each and every thought becomes insync with one another. It is as if your brain collapses in exhaustion; yet it doesn't. It only becomes more efficient and well oiled. Right now, at this very instant I liken my brain to a well oiled machine in which all the different parts are working in tandem, in sync.

I am 20 and there are definitely things about me that are changing. I personally hate change because of the fear of the unknown.Yet i find myself increasingly welcoming it into my life right now. The thought of not knowing what I am going to become and what I am capable of are things that I am vEry paranoid about. It wrecks me with fear to think about the future- u know the usual... [job, husband, kids,aging etc] Yet change from the conventional is quirky, and makes you feel youthful and invincible. It is refreshing and renews one's spirit.

Change has made me appreaciate the things that remain constant. Like Casablancas's voice, he won't change it for no one. Sure, compromises are made along the way and everyday, we lose a little of our selves[ our values, our essence, our creativity]. But it sure is comforting to know that the same set of sensations and thoughts come flooding back when u hear a song that you haven't heard in a long time.

I am therefore 20. The years before this number, i was a little girl with small dreams and big responsibilities. Now, i still have big responsibilities- but i have wild dreams and i am overuled by the young punk renaissance. [the mess, the music and the invicibility]

And yes, I'm guessing it will always be 3a.m in Casablancas' voice.

What's on today's agenda?

2006-08-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Night after night
You turn out the light
You don't fall asleep right away
"Are we... are we done?"

A desk to organize
A product to advertise
A market to monopolize
Movie stars you idolize
Leaders to scandalize
Enemies to neutralize
No time to apologize
Fury to tranquilize
Weapons to synchronize
Cities to vaporize

The Ize of the World- The Strokes.

Family and stuff...

2006-07-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

"They can't just do that!" she says. They make the mess all they want, then just walk away; as if completely and utterly inconsequential. It seems it is what they do best. And after all these years of dark ambiguity, they come back into their lives. "You're right", the daughter said. "It would be better if we could forgive them but why the hell should we?

"Anger is better held onto than let go for some things."

The Karma Police

2006-07-19T03:35:00.000-07:00

Term has started and like everyone else, I expected things to go smoothly. You know, to wake up extra early on the first day so you can prepare yourself for the start of the term. To wear something extra nice and to look your best on the first day of meeting people. To be really organised and focused about what you want to do. And no more having that dreamy state of mind; it's time for reality.

Well apparently I really do have a thick membrane protecting my skull because as I set out to do all of these things, I simply didn't. I didn't wake up on time, missed my first lecture of the day, rushed off to uni in a tshirt that was lying around and looked horrendously sleepy with no eyeliner on. Plus, i had a really good dream that I was in the night before and that was still on my mind throughout the day.

What else can be worse when u find out that the concerts by your fave bands are all sold out and that you can't go for them? Yes more heartache followed as I wished I could just for once, step on my brain. My heart was on the floor as I realised I oculdn't see the Strokes and the Eels live in Sydney. Plus, Jane Goodall came to my Uni today to give a talk. And because i was just on time, they didn't let me in- the lecture theatre was already full. I was thoroughly disappointed and no song could alleviate that sad moment.

Then it all came to me. It was no coincidence that i had such a string of bad luck all this week. It's Karma acting up, taking the lead in my life's drama and laughing viciously everytime it wins. The show My Name is Earl also put things in perspective. Do good things and good things will happen to you. Such a simple philosophy to help one to lead life in the righ path.

But how does one define good or bad? Where do u draw the line? Well in My Name is Earl, he takes society's word for it and his instincts. Even if he gave back the 20 dollars he stole, if the man he robbed was caught in a crisis, Earl still helped him out- only then does he get to cross that man off his "Things i did wrong" list.

This stirng of bad luck also taught me to take full advantage of chances that I have. My university opportunity, concerts, talks and gigs. Life is short and anything good that comes along your way should be grabbed. Do good things and grab good life opportunities.

So, mayb i should start doing that. After all, if i can continue doing good things these two weeks, maybe just maybe, i might be able to see the Strokes, live in Sydney, standing right infront of Julian Casablancas, singling along with him- every word of the way.

The universe is old but it always finds a way to catch up with us.

Me...

2006-07-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Deviant;
Oscillates between angst and apathy
Unwittingly villainous
Unwavering loyalty to self
Machiavellian in disguise
Stubborn
Suitably dramatic and yet equally subtle
Revels in the intensity of emotion
Observes too much and rarely says what is truly meant
Guarded
Self - preserving, perhaps even selfish
Equally capable of unscrupulous manipulation
and unimpeachable integrity
Egotistical
Lies with the practiced ease of a con-artist
Charms with the deceptive facade of truthful diplomacy
Eager to please
Capable of violence when displeased
Each passion burns and then fizzles
Questions, unanswered but recurrent
Paranoid
Thrives in every state of ennui
Potential is the perpetual pre-fix
A hundred different people play-acting as One

I'm the ultimate imposter.

{courtesy of Brin}

Melbourne...

2006-07-17T03:39:00.000-07:00

Copacabanca
Alfresco italian food (long serivice)
Mafia chocolate palace- Brunetti's
Queen Victoria Market- troubadors
Cheap Singapore lamb briyani
Melbourne central- Borders
Scar Tissue- A.K Biography
Moroccan dinner with Curly & Wurly
Trams
Dandenong mountains- fragrant moisturiser
St Kilda's beach- unique one of a kind flea market
All with the mum- Nice.

The true nature of discipline

2006-06-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

The true nature of discipline is not abstinence; it's the control of the will and the resisting of temptation.
It's a fight.

The wheel never stops turning...

2006-06-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sloth is the deadliest of sins; but the greatest of luxuries

No one is ever grown except those free of desire- Rumi.

And I HOPE there's a declaration of sorts tommorrow. If not, then i'l just keep waiting.... Til it stops. Or will it?

2006-06-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

Get it done Arathi, just get it done.

Conversations with.....

2006-06-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

"Anyways I don't enjoy celebrating my birthdays.
For me it's just the earth making another revolution around the sun.... (Btw, thanks for the Bart Simpson e-card...i really liked it)"

"I like that sense of solitude at four in the morning. the hardest parts are already over. "

"making memories over there with your friends."

"it was a pleasure talking to you."

"oh Pulp fiction is a must see....it is every writers dream come true....very cool movie"

"you should do whatever it takes to pursue your dream"

"was it hard on you?"

"im very sorry for breaking up this nice conversation"

So keep on calling me names, And I'l keep kicking the crap till it's gone...

2006-06-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

People judge. That's what we all do; do best in fact. So on how earth, can i fight this inherent ability.? It's like saying I don't want to live in this culture of globalisation and capitalism. Simply impossible. Even if you manage not to judge; others are still going to.... So which shall be your priority then? Survival and defence or morals and principles?

I somehow feel, that all throughout my life, like Ms Apple said, I'm gonna keep kicking the crap til it's gone. But will it ever be gone? Haha.. Somehow i take comfort in knowing that that atleast will be the only constant in my life in this ever changing landscape we call 'world'.

Right now, I'm still kicking. But the colours are all bleeing into one; one that doesn't have a name. All the answers seem the same. Life is all about holding onto the beautiful memories and fighting the bad moments. Isn't it?

The Axis of Justice

2006-06-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Just 2 things: I really admire the creators of this non-profit organisation called the Axis of Justice. They are the magnificent and most admiraable Tom Morello and Serj Tankian.

When you think about how they wake up each day and they think about the disenfranchised people all over the world, that they are still idealistic and optimistic inspite of all the shit everyone is facing in the world right now; that they are happy with even a minor change so that justice is served; that in the spirit of bravado they challenge laws and authority despite their fears; that they are willing to go to every country enlighten people and champion their cause if that's what it takes to affect change.

That they are willing to devote so much of themselves to making the world a better place. These are the people that truly matter. And indeed, i feel proud listening to their music, knowing what they are talking about and understanding the depth of their concerns.

It gives me hope to live on each day, inspite of the mess, inspite of my mess, inspite of the craziness. Thank you is all I can say.

Where are you?

2006-06-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

She cried and cried. She yelled and rolled over in pain. He was both angry and sad because he wished he didn't have to see her tears, but he was angry at his helplessness.

She wished she was numb; that she could feel no pain at all. But he always told her, never to wish for something as dangerous as that. He told her that one of the greatest things in life was to feel.

And today, millions of miles away from her father, staring hopelessly into the sky, she sits, feeling absolutely numb. And she wonders whether he will ever be there, to say the right thing at the right time.

The apocalyptic conclusion of our civilisation

2006-05-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

I have always been very interested in and intrigued by certain theories that suggest that our civilisation as we know it will end in an apocalypse. The apocalyptic conclusion of our civilisation as i call it, is near. Don't u think?

Movies like 28 days later and even shows like Alias which capture Milo Rambaldi's (fictious maybe) prophecies, encourage such thoughts to develop. Of course these are just people's inpressions of what might happen. But isn't it absolutely fascinating to have come up with a way to 'cleanse' eveyone? That for the rebirth of a new species- a new kind of human being to be born, we all have to become infected with rage, kill each other and die. The survivors of such a catastrophe will be the ones who will learn from all of this and facilitate inthe rebirth of a new species and a new world. All based on new ideals, values and faiths.

I am especially interested in this topic because of its increasing relevance to today's global society. We are all becoming more indivdualised and dispersed than ever. Wars and riots break out ever so often in most parts of the world. Poverty and AIDS engulf millions of people's lives and they are still many people, sitting around helpless. Wealth and money are being passed around and enjoyed only by the wealthy, and sometimes nothing is left for the poor. Greed, competition and domination have become the values we live by- a complete reversal of everything we all once stood for.

In the movie, The Devil's Advocate, Al Pacino says, "I didn't do anything, All I did was to set the stage". And it seems like that is what is exactly happening. The stage is set and our actions and decisions determine the consequences. Lucifer's argument: how can such flawed beings have so much power?

Anyways, whatever happens, there will be a time when all our deeds, all the decisions we've made cannot escape judgement. However we try to run away from it, it is always there, isn't it? Or is there? Can we be totally invincible? Do we have that much power in us?

What it all boils down to is power eh? Power is that which has become one of the things we strive for. A sad sad world it has become.

Nostalgia, words and technology

2006-05-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

You got mail! Those three words mean alot to people don't they? We're are all living in an age of internet global communication. And the huge role that the internet plays in our lives is absolutely astounding...

I sometimes get moments of epiphanies where my thinking processes slow down and takes hold of the crazy reality we all live in.

And sometimes, you just get caught up in your breath when u actually receive the mail you've been waiting for. And when it says the things u wanted to hear exactly, it is bittersweet. It's bittersweet because you are grateful for those words, but you wish you could hear those words from that very person and make the moment feel very real. Technology has this way of making a very special moment seem meaningless and invaluable. And it makes u confused as to whether to hold onto it or to let go of it.

The world has become this mass of blurry that people can't figure out. It doesn't help that we're all masses of blurries ourselves. That we strive as hard as possible to differentiate ourselves from each other but essentially we are all the same.

'Nostalgia isn't wat it used to be; I can only picture the disappearing world when you touch me.'

Fight or Flight?

2006-05-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Come on show me your fight face COZ I'm already wearing mine and I bet you couldn't even tell the difference.

Life is all about the fight isn't it? At first, fighting, war and confrontation was never my cup of tea. I could never take a liking to it. I mean what's the point i ask? Why not use diplomacy? Way easier and you might get actual results in the end....

But of course, not everyone can be like that. And yes, there has to be people who have to be bigger than themselves and not respond in the same way they do.

War for war is not the answer. But a fight can be expressed in so many different ways. Think of Gandhi's concept of passive resistance. This was a fight against limiations of freedom but one hinged on passvity and peace.

Romances bloom and fade on the Internet without physical or visual contact. The poor end up poorer. The rich nations become increasingly inconsequential and irresponsible. The world as we know it has become a stage where all of us are pawns in a wicked and sick game of mankind.

What my rantings all boil down to is the fundamental: it's always going to be about the fight. The question is, will u fight or flight?

SAVE ME!

2006-05-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

Write SAVE ME on a note and slip into a balloon. Then send the red balloon to wherever it wants to go and hope to god someone undertstands what's happening.

And I'l keep on waiting, gradually immersing myself in the realities of the world, slowly losing my soul, bit by bit.

The pain that comes with love- I want it.

2006-05-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

You know how you feel the pain and the emptiness when u no longer have something that you once loved and enjoyed? And that suddenly, the air around you becomes so still that you think your existence is artificial. That the lack of sound is not peace but instead it's indicative of a void in your life.

Gilmore Girls is ending soon. They have only one more season to go; til Season 7. I just watched the season finale of Season 6 and I felt instantly sad. Sad because there's only one more season to go. And I don't know how I've gone through life without Gilmore Girls all this time. People might think it's just a chick flick, it's a bubble pop kind of entertainment that's all sweet and pretty. I don't really give a damn about what others think but the thing I know is that it's changed my life in so many ways. It's helped me deal with so many things in my life. And once it ends, I know the pain will certainly and most definitely leave a void in me.

Rory and Logan.... Who would have figured eh? They are certainly something to aspire to. And Lorelai and Luke.... June 3rd; will it or will it not happen?

I guess it all comes down to whether u're willing to fight for something or not. Like what Vince Lombardi said, it's the will that counts; nothing else.

On something entirely unrelated and cryptic, I always thought love was never the important thing in life albeit people around me saying so. But perhaps, it may be. And oh god, i hope it strikes me soon.

The trouble with Free Will.

2006-05-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. -Vince Lombardi

Free will. The essence of my troubles. I've been telling myself; that I'm anachronistic. I don't belong to this time.

Everything's falling apart and i don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Lost in translation, sweet november, prozac nation

2006-04-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

I watched Prozac Nation again tonight after a very long time. Watching that movie is always a bittersweet experience for me. Because when I see that movie, I see my life. Not exactly to the print, but more or less the same. And I take comfort in knowing that Elizabeth (the story's protagonist) faces the same issues and problems as me; that I'm not alone.

But at the same time, it's painful to see what I can become. Ricci plays the character very convincingly and the screaming, the blood, the voices, the anger all seems so real. Like all those very things could happen to me. And gradually, then suddenly I can see the downfall of me, my very own self-destruction.

I wish I could control everything around me so that I could be in total peace. But isn't peace about letting go of all inhibitions and feeling absolute freedom? Ironic isn't it? How we'l keep doing the things that hurt us just because it feels good for a moment? How we sometimes sabotage ourselves and feel so sick about it? The unfortunate thing is we can't just vomit out all our sadness. It isn't a 'black and white' disease that can be cured with pills. So however many prozacs we take, the problem will still exist and life has to go on.
And the fight continues.

Only the gentle can ever be strong

2006-04-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

She reached out and it was beautiful. She lay on the bed, tired as she was, she couldn't sleep. She couldn't close her eyes.

Her mind was racing with thoughts. Thoughts about the the past, present and more specifcally, the future. A worry wart she was. She started crying perfectly without any sound at all. That's one thing she had mastered all these years- crying without anyone knowing.

She hoped that all her fears would die with her and not materialise. She hoped all her dreams would fly away when she took her last breath. She hoped her daughter and her grandaughter got all those dreams. Every single one of them.

She hoped they would be happy and that they would know how much she loved them though she never articulated those expressions of endearment. She hoped they would continue loving her, even when she passed.

Her mind went back to a time in the past. A time when she remembered happiness. She danced, she sang, lived communally and was her mother's pet. That was all she knew- that was all she wanted.

Missing Mummy...

2006-04-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

I miss her the most when I need to be hugged. Or when she notices each and every time i laugh. When we sit down, have tea and samosas and watch Gilmore Girls every Sundays at 6pm. It's like literally watching ourselves on television....

Even at ten o clock on a Monday night, she'll be upstairs doing her work and I'll be down watching tv and reading. And it's like everything's complete.

And when we go for our evening walks, it's great when we talk about our future plans and our aspirations.... And then we make tentative travel plans about visititing the exotic places around the world together... It's like we're in a bubble of invincibility- what we say will really come true and nothing else will happen.

Then in the wee hours of the morning, when I'm in my solitude, i think of everything she's gone through and i cry. No i sob. Because she's got one of the sincerest hearts that I know of and i can't believe someone's life can be screwed up this much....

She's one of the strongest women i know and it's a privilege really-it's a privilege to be the wind beneath her wings.

___________________________________________________________________

L for Limbo; The most serious malady

2006-04-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Have u ever had the feeling of just sitting still for an hour even when u feel like jumping around like crazy? That the digits on the clock beside you doesn't mean anything to u anymore but u're still worried about the scarcity of time. That u want to be clean but there's nothing exciting to look forward to in a bath. That you want to fill your stomach, but the very sight of food puts you off. That you want something like music or television to fill the silence but nothing seems to be appropriate. That you want to engage in a serious intellectual book, but your eyes won't focus on the words long enough. That you want to feel a specific emotion but instead several emotions are clumped up together in your head. That you want to be excited, but can't seem to muster the effort to even try. It's like you want to speed through and finish the race but you don't even want to run.

That being in limbo annoys you but you're not exactly thrilled to get out of it.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.?

V for Vendetta

2006-04-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

V for Vendetta is one of the greatest movies I've ever watched. I mean they've been times when i've watched a movie and felt happy. But this is one of those films that makes u feel multiple emotions simultaneously. I felt exhilrated, sad, angry, rebellious, happy and many more emotions that I'm sure would make a long list. The point is, the movie is realistic. And as a realist, you would then connect the dots and understand why I have so much interest in it. (if u've seen it of course!)

It dealt with the age old debate about systems of governance. This may seem to many, a foreign, uninspiring and avoidale topic, but that is far from the reality of things. How we are governed, dictates or atleast influences the decisions we make, the lifestyles we live, the things we do and most imperatively, our motivations and ideas. Hence, far from being just a conversation piece and a news item on television that people don't watch, it really does matter.

And when it really sinks into the depths of each and every one of our hearts, we will feel the need to do something about it. That's one of the fundamental ideas of the movie- the beauty of revolution. V stands for Vendetta yes; but it also stands for vengeance, violence, victory and many more ideals.

A dear friend of mine put up an interesting point: in endorsing violence as a means to start a revolution and to create a new structure of society, aren't they all just like the people they tried to get rid of? Isn't it a text book example of the ends justifying the means? While that is a very valid and interesting point that needs to be addressed, i have to admit I can understand why such an approach is endorsed without any consideration to conscience and humanittarianism. You see, while revolution is about creating a new future, it's also about rebelling against the very structure that deceived them. It's about attaining retribution. No evil deed escapes punishment and judgement.

Albeit the grim nature of the movie, it's got me hopeful about the future. It's got me thinking that things do have a possibility of changing. That opportunities are endless and certainties are not fixed. And that in each of us, we have the power and the potential to intitate change. We're all diamonds in the ruff, not polished yet; potential not maximised.
There were so many quotes i wld have love to memorize from the movie but one that stuck with me is this: "ideas are bulletproof." And that's enough to protect us from all the evil in this world.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

2006-04-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will loose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no-one can hear you at all

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes (x2)
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

C walt disney

My twentieth birthday!

2006-04-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

It was simply amazing. I was surprised at first of course at the massive gathering of 18 pple. But as i eased into the night and soaked in all the laughter, the night was bittersweet in some respects.

But the next day was amazing... The gang of six drove up to Bateman's Bay- Canberra's beach. We had a nice chill session with candles with great food. Just sitting at the beach near sunset with fiona apple, with the waves lapping in the background. It was simply beautiful. And the funny thing was, i felt more happy when i saw the others smiling. It was like an aura of happiness that surrounded us all....

I really missed my mum. Just the little things she did for me. Like snuggle into my bed at midnight n wish me. Then gif me cards n presents n bring me out for dinner. And gg to the temple n getting blesssings from my grandparents.... I guess u gotta appreciate it while it lasts....

But nevertheless, it was a great birthday. U know me- grateful for anything n everything.

2006-03-20T02:53:00.000-08:00

Shades of blue, red and green
Appear all throughout our lives
They lift us up, and bring us down.
But it's the Thread of grey
that is woven throughout our lives
and only gets untied at the end of our time.

Dreams, oh biG dreams...

2006-03-19T02:18:00.000-08:00

I remember when as a child people would ask me, what I wanted to be when I grew up. Though I had an active imagination, I would just say "I don't know".

All my life, i had this policy. Never have too high of an expectation of yourself, then you won't get disappointed with yourself. That didn't always work of course. Expectations came and went and I was disappointed with myself on numerous occasions. But I never really paused to consider what my potential could be used for I never reflected on what I could be if I wanted to be something big. It's like life always passed me by and I had no problem with that. People say grab life by the balls, and I'm like "hey, I'm just gonna sit over here n chill."

I think it was when I came over to Australia that I started dreaming big. The fact that I had the opportuntiy to create my future by making my own decisions made a big impact on me. It sort of inspired me to think big, dream big and do big.
I dream of becoming a reputable columnist either commenting on the politics of today's world or on the anthropology of our society, a professor of psociology or politics teaching eager students what they r interested in, a doctor helping people to be cured of their diseases, an activist for poverty and a memeber of an NGO, helping out the women and children in 3rd wld countries like India, Africa, Cambodia and becoming a reputable indian classical dancer who loves her craft beyond her imagination.

Pretty impressive huh? I'm pretty proud of myself as well.... Finally, i'm learning to dream big dreams.

Breathe, just have courage and laugh if possible....

2006-03-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

Iz, this one's for u.....

It's amazing how music has touched my life in so many different ways. I think it's safe to say that it's basically my powerchord. My lynchpin. The key to my soul.

I came across a song the other day. A song I have been hunting for since I was 15 or sth. It's a beautiful song, one of those songs that are existential in its meaning and holds a special moment for me. And can you believe it, here in my shoe-box room, I was jumping and squealing ike a 3yr old girl because i had finally got the song. It was like retrieving a moment from my past. Literally, those feeling and thoughts that I had only with that song, just came flooding back. I didn't know what to say, so I just went along with the flood, pleading with it to take me somewhere nice for that moment. And like always, it kept it's promise.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've wanted to push myself, test my potential. See how I really can do without any excuses, any circunstances. Just me and my work. I tried that but immediately my mum called in a bout of sadness. Of course, I couldn't help sobbing along to her depressed tunes and that threw me absolutely off track. I ended up having a terrible headache and went to sleep hoping i'd get up in another place.

I then figured what we are supposed to push and test is our ability to pick ourselves up when we fall. Even when we are the most heavily bruised and injured. It'd sure be nice of someone could do that for us from time to time. But for those of us who are alone, we gotta bloody damn do that job ourselves. We can't all have everything we want- and even if we do, it all comes with a price. It's like what my dearest friend mentioned, "I am not the perfect human because I am human". I think that perfectly sums up what we are all about.

So the next time when u fall and u think how sad it is that you have to pick yourself up, just breathe, have courage and try to laugh it off. It might work, it might not. But hey, if you're not perfect, no one else is. Take comfort in knowing that.

I remembered why I'm Ms ResPonsible!

2006-03-13T04:54:00.000-08:00

I was all the rage this weekend. I was quite the rebel- hopping onto a bus to Sydney to catch Alkaline Trio and their ultimately awesome peformance(all this when i had an essay due Mon). Then literally spent the night in the streets of Sydney, sleeping on wherever that was warm and filled with people. It was an experience that I wanted to feel for the longest time. I inhaled cigarette smoke air, ate oily, junk food and spent all our money on cds and band t shirts. And by the time I came back, I was shit tired but I felt high and invincible. Like anything i did was inconsequential. And boy did i love that feeling.

This feeling extended late till today. I didn't go to any classes, i stayed in my room the whole day, feeling extremely introverted, yet strong. I thought long and hard about being the person I am and how I'm such an "accomodating" person most of the time. I wondered why i'm like that....

Then my mum called and I sobbed. And then I remebered, why I'm Ms ResPonsible. I remember why I'm so straight edged. I remebered why I'm so accomodating and am the background person. I sometimes regret being tt person. But she and a few others need me. So i guess i'm willing to carve a life around all of that.

So, to answer all my questions of self-doubt, there'l always be the inner wild child in me waiting to come out. And i will get a few opportunities along the way to go wild. But I'm quite happy, trying atleast, to be an all responsible person.

Closer

2006-03-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, i'm back into the bogsphere... Hit a dry spell for god knows what reason... But sth always hits u. It hits you hard enough that you wanna write about. That it's on your mind, bugging you, and lingering in your thought of thoughts.

Sinful, decadent pleasures. Are they right or wrong? That is why this question is so hard to find an answer to. It is totally grey, no black or white, but we try to do the latter.

I watched the movie 'Closer' and god was that an enlightening movie! It forces you to see the real nature of human beings, especially in the context of relationships. Of heterosexual relationships. People longing for one another because they don't need each other. People having sex without any meaning or significance attached to it- and they have no problem doing it, but they have a problem with it. People doing things for sake of doing them. People thinking themselves as malicious and detached only to find themselves as sensitive and emotional as the other.

"Lies are the currency of the world" Jude law says. And so it seems. This movie inadvertently shows the real problems of the world we live in. Whether we like it or not, i think we're all masochists. The good, the bad, the ugly and all of us in between. It's sad, really but it's a truth that we have to admit.

But the question that really bothers me is whether honesty is that much important. Whether knowing someone close to you has betrayed you is going to help you. Or if ignorance is bliss. Whether knowing the truth is really bravado or a false sense of security. Sometimes, lies are all we have in this world, to survive.

Ultimately, the world's a stage. It's a human carnival.

Simple moments like these...

2005-12-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day... I spent the whole afternoon at Borders, soaking in the sights and sounds. I picked up all the books that interested me, went to a corner and just read. I read, unperturbed by the noise and the rush of people coming for their christmas shopping.
Of course i went by the magazine section and was I relieved to find out some good articles about my favourite bands, the Foo Fighters and the System of a Down. It was so enriching finding out more about them and their music. Ah... I live for moments like these man!

Going back home, on the train, my ears plugged into the loud and hypnotic sounds of S.O.A.D.(their latest albulm is so good, it's been the only cd i've been listening to for days) I smile inside of myself. I love just doing nothing else but immersing myself totally in books and music.... These moments may not mean much to others, but they mean a lot to me.

2005-11-14T01:48:00.000-08:00

I just wish i could do my essays in a poof! Then be free and not be bound by any more restrictions.

2005-11-13T06:52:00.000-08:00

She longed and longed for someone significant to partake in her pain and pleasure. She was a feminist yet she wanted to be held and cradled by someone stronger than her. She was self sufficient all her life but just this once, she wanted someone to lean on.

She wanted a beautiful piece of music in the background when she met her soulmate. So that that moment would be immensely meaningful and it would be etched in her memory- forever.

It would be one of her last memories when she passes. And she would go away, with a simple smile.

2005-11-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

St. Anger round my neck
St. Anger round my neck
He never gets respect
St. Anger round my neck

(Its rushing out, Its rushing out)
St. Anger round my neck
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
He never gets respect
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
St. Anger round my neck
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
He never gets respect

[Chorus:]
Fuck it all and no regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
I need a voice to let myself
To let myself go free
Fuck it all and fuck regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
Medallion noose I hang myself
St. Anger round my neck

I feel my world shake
I can't look away
Hard to see clear
Is it me
Or is it fear?

I'm madly in anger with you [2x]

St. Anger round my neck
St. Anger round my neck
He never gets respect
St. Anger round my neck

(Its rushing out, Its rushing out)
St. Anger round my neck
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
He never gets respect
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
St. Anger round my neck
(It's rushing out, It's rushing out)
He never gets respect

[Chorus]
I feel my world shake
I can't look away
Hard to see clear
Is it me
Or is it fear?
I'm madly in anger with you [4x]

I want my anger to be healthy
I want my anger just for me
I need my anger not to control
I want my anger to be me
I need set my anger free
I need to set my anger free
Set it free!

[Chorus]
I feel my world shake
I can't look away
Hard to see clear
Is it me
Or is it fear?
I'm madly in anger with you[4x]

St Anger- Metallica

that's how i felt when i read the link below. you would too.
http://www.truthout.org/docs-2005/062605A.shtml

A rock gig does wonders!

2005-11-06T02:35:00.000-08:00

the men with all their strength, pushing and shoving around like they're the warriors of the world... It made me want to be as strong as them and push them around. See how they wince in pain like dogs. Ok ok, now i'm not going to call them fucking bastards again but if it's one thing I envy guys for, it's for their physical strength.

Otherwise, the rock gig was fantastic! I was so the rebel, going for it despite it being the exam period and the fact tt i'm so behind my studying! But what's life for anyways? Right? Hahaha....

A rock gig does wonders. Really. I feel euphoria, exhilartion,pain, excitement all in one big sensation. I can't tell one apart from the other but it's a great feeling. It's like you feel high and you think you're invincible. Nothing deters you. You deliberately wanna do something rash and impulsive to test your limits.

God! I can't believe I'm missing the Foo Fighters!

Nah uh......

2005-10-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

See, i don't want to be like that. Like in the situation you are in, at this exact moment. To have this wonderful thing going on and then all of a sudden, for it to break away in pieces. And to kid to myself that it's just another experience in life when all I feel is raw hurt and pain.

I don't know why; but I simply just can't do it.

-inspired by an episode in Felicity

pardon me.....

2005-10-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

i will be the first to criticize them, but will i ever be able to live without them? i hope i will. coz i think they're fucking bastards.

Fear....

2005-10-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

Fear. It's a damned thing, It is, really. It cripples you emotionally and physically. It hinders your possibilities and sometimes prevents you from getting at those wondeful opportunities.

Fear, it isolates you. Makes u withdrawn and reticent. And then u end up losing the people you have as friends.

Fear. It carefully and connivingly chooses the weak over the strong so that it can marvel at its victories. It shows no mercy and rears its ugly ugly head at the worst possible times.

Fear, it makes you shiver and tremble. All you want to do is to cuddle up in your bed and dream about another world; one in which fear does not exist.

Fear has been for many years my silent partner. We're simply inseparable. And i forsee i'm going to spend many more days with it. Sad but that's my life.

Many people think it's easy to get rid of fear. "Think confidence trick and there you are..." But it's not and I know this well.

I guess both of us have to get through this dear. It's going to be a hard and tough journey but it's just one of those things you know. You gotta take a little dirt, to get what you want.

I would want to be like Mrs Dubose. I would want to die free especially from fear.

hotchpotch.....!

2005-10-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

Tania is essentially a sullen girl. Contemplative melancholy is her silent partner on most nights. Her occupation: shadow boxer; because she inevitably becomes that freak that stands on the edge of life, worrying, panicking and hyperventiliating.

"Believe in me coz i believe in you? No shit!" she says. She wants you to see her for what she's worth. To see the true insides of her. But she's not gonna let u see through her that easily. It's gonna be a ride, a intruiging one she hopes.

She aspires to be a swashbucking heroine. A hopeless romantic, yet one who takes her life in her own hands and stands her ground. You're the beat that skipped my heart.... She longs to say that to the one who has the power to overwhelm her.

She loves to dream, as if that's the only thing she'd never get tired of doing. If she ever wrote an autobographical book, the title would be 'heropsychodreamer'.

Like the eye of the thunder, she'd like the one to be the blue of her oblivion. She's an intense character and if she could just focus on you all the while and get away with it, she would; most certainly. And though you're no good for her, you'l be the only thing she sees.

And she loves making up stories using other people's phrases.

Do they exist? Hope for a cynic.

2005-10-07T01:01:00.000-07:00

He's gotta be a dreamer. Music will be food for his soul. The connection will be food for both their souls. His humour will be the tonic for her youth and vitality. Seeing herself in his eyes will be the epitomie of pure love.

Their version of travelling in style will be on a bicycle, hugging each other, absorbing the sights and sounds and sighing every now and then. They don't even have to talk. They can the sense the satisfaction immeadiately.

They sit across the table with so many of their relatives and all they think about is what is on each other's minds. They exchange secret smiles. Her leg naughtily caresses his and he smiles in mischevious glee.

He'l always chase after her even though he's already got her. And she will always relish the idea of being chased after.

He lies on her bosom, sleeping soundly like a baby. She strokes his hair and whispers softly into his ear, "It's just you and me baby." The sides of his mouth crinkle.

And all we'l ever need is each other.

-

2005-10-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

She awakes with this huge feeling waiting to burst out of her. But she doesn't know how to describe it. She tries and tries but no, there is no word that can capture what she feels inside of her.

As she cleanses herself, she hopes to gain clarity. She hopes to find out more about this feeling that's inside of her. But no, nothing.

The feeling reels back in laughter, proud of the fortress it built. "Now, no one or nothing can get me."

So with that, she goes out into the world, meets her friends, laughs at their jokes, obligates herself to the society she lives in and fulfills the social roles that are expected of her. Yet with all of this, that feeling is still there. It is neither leaving or staying. It's just there and that's all she knows. For now atleast.

She goes back and then decides to get married. She likes this feeling and judging from her day, it likes her too. She's in between, in the middle, neither here nor there and she hopes she'l always be like this. She lived ever after.

It's nice to know someone's got ur back...

2005-10-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's nice to know that there are people there for you. That you can confide in your friends the worse things and that they won't judge you. That they still see u in the same light. Though sometimes u have this gung-ho feeling that u can do evrything on your own, but sometimes that's not always possible.

I'm glad that i've had some of my best experiences with my friends and with myself, in my solitude. That's the balance I want.

I guess that's the whole rationale behind having a companion as well. So that u know at the end of the fucking, shitty day full of superficial crap, u have someone to dote on you and sympathise with you and even if not these, then his or her pressence will do. Sigh... I guess we didn't deserved to be wired up as solitude beings... What a bummer!?!..... :)

From the distance she thinks and thinks and thinks about him....

2005-09-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

She looked at him as he went on mechanically, packing his things. She wondered if he ever felt anything for her. Any twinge of affection. She did feel sad. But that was all she could call it. She didn't dare use anything else as complicated as the term, 'melancholy longing' to describe that moment. Simply beacuse she had learnt from expeience never to complicate any matter. Whether that held true, only time would tell.

And then time passed. She didn't feel any significant change in herself and that she presumed was a sign that he didn't mean much to her. Of course,in quite moments when she longed company of any kind, she would silently long for his music to be playing from the stereo. But even that didn't last long....

Now she's in a new place, with new things to look forward to. She's got this new found independence to do practically anything she wants. So she does. Not anything bad. But she listens to the music she's neglected previously, she reads the books she's wanted to absorb and she gets to do simple but meaningful things like sitting for hours in her bed, in peaceful comptemplation.

And in even in her new thoughts, he comes, representing the old. An entire wave of old thoughts hits her, and she finds her mind flooded with tears. Tears of anger. Tears of confusion. Tears of reminiscient longing. She's very much like him. He's very much like her. They could probably talk for hours on the same things. But she'd never be able to connect with him. 'It's just impossible' she thinks to herself. Never is a promise...

You know how people say u won't miss something until you've lost it for good... Well, at that moment, she missed her chance at having a defining relationship that would have perhaps helped her more than she would ever know. At that moment, she missed her father.

bursting my illusions about love and marriage...

2005-09-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

Being in my room the whole day, cuddled up feverishly in my bed, watching gilmore girls and wallowing in self pity made me think about the notion of love and marriage. (like wat else would i think about rite? hahaha...)

The perfect someone we all dream about and that idealizing faith we have about him being the' complete fit' is becoming increasingly nonsensical to me. I might be just a teensy weensy biased coz i'm in a man-hating mood right now. How can your ability to love stop with just one person who u 'think' is the right one? I guess that explains why love marriages still end up in ugly divorces that send divorce rates all over the world spiralling out of control. In response to this, anyone in that situation might say, "Hey man, we're all humans and we make mistakes!" So the rough idea is that one has to go through various contenders (i.e the dating game) until he or she finds their partner. Makes me think of a dog running through different hoops in a dog show...

I say a partner should never complete you, instead he or she should complement u. There's no use trying to cover your own flaws by clinging on to your partner - that's simply escapism and saving your problems for another time. The most important thing in a relationship i think should be clarity, which is often difficult because love is an emotion that clouds your judgement and rational thinking.

I guess what i'm trying to get at is that there's so much of ambigiuity relating to love and marriage and people can be so ambivalent about their choices regarding love. Yet the constant thing people look forward to and expect to be constant forever in life, is this whole notion of love and the sacred union called marriage. An irony isn't it? It's like what Alanis said,

"It's like meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife...". Nothing is guaranteed my friends. Not even love...

the big black cloud of paranoia tt hunts me down....

2005-09-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

I hate it when paranoia looms ahead of me. I can actually feel the tension, the panic, the fear all rolled up into a ball, stuck in my head. It confuses me, clouds my judgement and all i do is feel- instead of thinking rationally.

Imagine my plight- i go through this all the time when i have papers due... And i've submitted five so far..... The sad part is i don't think i can ever get away from this feeling; it's just a part of me. So all the more, i run away from my work, from this 'world' to my own world; where there's tons of tv shows to watch, snacks to binge on and tons of time to sleep and dream.

I guess ultimately that's all i'm asking for. Give me time and i'l give up everything else.

Turning down help....

2005-09-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

It is said u learn new things about yourself everyday. In your actions, in your reactions to situtations and in your capability to comprehend things that happen to u. I don't know whether i'm making sense or not but i learnt that i have a difficulty and an inhibition to ask for help "(whether physical or emotional)

I try to the best of my ability, to do all my things on my own. I find this quite alarming in contrast to others around me who have no qualms of asking people for help. I just realized i take on this whole burden of dealing with eveything myself and i don't ask anyone for help, even if i badly need it. I'm the kind of girl who stays in the corner of the room bleeding, trying to figure out what to do just coz i don't want to approach for help.

I guess because i don't expect people to help me. Everyday people have their own shit going own and trying to figure out their life. Who am I to go ask them to go out of their way to help me? But i've met helpful people and they r nice bunch. They r altruistic in that sense and sometimes, honest to god, i can't understand that. I hope i'm not soundng like a cynic coz i really like to be called a pragmatist than anything else. But that's just me trying to justify my case.

I guess innately i'm a very very intoverted girl who appreciates solitude much more than most people. I've been thinking about this alot. And even if i'm real sick, with amputated legs or paralysed neck down stuck in bed, i'd still be able to live. Coz in my head i have my own world, And in there, nothing can stop me from living the life that i dream.

The dreams that i have, awake or asleep, are the most powerful things that drive me and my innate self.

deliruim topped with sugar crusted frosties- to new things in life!

2005-09-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

she rubbed her hands in delirum, her eyes shone, and you said "why not?"

so there we are.

sitting in a lil room...curtains drawn...frosties on the side...10,000 miles away from where we began..... ready to embark on something new.