The Tourist

I spent the whole day stoning, watching The Strokes do their thing and have fun at the same time. I had a lot of conversations with myself; no more than the usual. And if you think that’s weird, well I’m at that place now that I don’t give a hoot whether you fit me in that label or not. Yes, it’s the young punk renaissance. It’s staging a comeback. It was really always there, since it hit me hard in August this year. It opened up a world of all things new for me. Like I said earlier, the mess, the music and one improvisation; the maturity. The music that I listen to mostly; rock and roll I realized is not at all about invincibility. It’s about knowing what’s wrong and right and doing the wrong thing anyways. It’s about knowing the full consequences of what you’re doing and doing it. Right or wrong.

I’ve been through some shit. And while I’m not about to toot my own trumpet about getting through it in public (really with friends), in my own solitude, I’m proud of getting through them all on my own. You see, it’s literally about how you react to your down fall. How you get yourself up and prepare yourself. The process is often harrowing because of the anticipation, the pain and the stinging that packs a hurtful punch. But once you get through it and look back, you either cry or smile or do both. And that should definitely count for something.

I am twenty. Twice the living. And now, more than ever is the time to take risks and do what I do best. I’ve always had issues with the way time has been compressed by society. This time around, I’m going to do things according to my own pace of time. Do things my own way. Like what Radiohead said,

Hey man, slow down, slow down,
idiot, slow down, slow down.

No competitions with the outside people. It’s me that I am to be concerned with. And I know… Sometimes the society I live in, rather the people in it will manipulate me into thinking otherwise. But if it’s one thing I’ve learnt in this 6 yr journey of soul searching, it’s that I’m always going to be that girl who is a little different. Quirky, weird, always having compassion for those dispossessed and the unfortunate and always having too many intense thoughts for me to handle. I have seldom wished for anything textbook and my head is almost always in the clouds. A bundle of contradictions, a cross between extremes, I am complicated.

And while, it is, has been and will be a long tiring and isolated journey to go on, it’s the only thing I know to be true in my life; all these years. So, as Alby put it, “I’m not gonna change til I want to.”

Life is not all haha-hehe (Meera Syal)

Irony is when the famously scantily clad women of The Pussycat Dolls strutt their stuff, in their song/music video titled, "I don't need a man"

The universe is old but it always finds a way to catch up with us.

her first lil' bottle of black nailpolish...

The black fingernails is a sign- of things to come. Perhaps. Or perhaps not.
Closet reveler.
Only in her own head- late at night early in the morning. Only to the one that matters she will come.

And to her, the notion of self-destruction will always be the beginning of fun.

"You really do have beautiful eyes," She smiles, nods and waits. Thanl god he didn't notice.

There's sadness in her eyes but her lenses masks them well. Well enough to get by in this superficial world. The heels, the dress, the hair, the teeth, the face, the body- all to mislead.

And even the smile- it's never plastic but it is all knowing, as if her secret face is constantly bemused at everything you do.

She is, the ultimate imposter. Beware.

It's good to feel...

It's been a while since I've tipped my toes into the blogosphere eh? Just been busy slacking. Yes, if there's anything that I'm absolutely good at, it's slacking. And sleeping probably. And telling you which movies Robert De Niro starred in throughout his movie career. That's it. Haha.

This week has been especially enjoyable and sickening for me. It's good; the way things are right now. The last time I had hols, i was fucking numb and that didn't go too well. Turns out not feelin anything at all can have its drawbacks.

This week's been good because I've started on fiction again. Yes the dreamer in me is slowly resurfacing and the realist is taking the back seat. And frankly, I have Bhar to thank for that. It's poems and novels galore for me right now and I am enjoying it every bit. And today, shopping (as usual retail therapy always does the trick) and hanging out with Char was one of those days that leaves you feeling that all is good. Alot of ground covered; opened up a little more with our jolts of caffeine. I think it was a nice way to end the slacking week and say 'Gday!' to the week ahead; one with tons of essays to start on.

I sort of placed a moratarium on studies for the past week. I just felt that this sem, i've been up to my neck trying to stay afloat. And the i started breathing in water. That's just not cool man... I guess i have to start on my essays to avoid last semester's catastrophe. I'l get right on it then.

Before or after my melboure trip...? I can't wait to get out of my room and smell the air in a another place; literally. To see different people, to sleep on a different bed and to eat different things (long craved dishes). Here here! To melbourne- the quirky people bringing out the quirkyness in me!

And finally, radiohead and albert hammond jr. I must say I'm so into them right now. Their songs just keep making me feel closer to him i guess. There's so much to say, yet i don't want to upset what we have now. I'm better of with the way things are? And he says Fiona Apple has a such a poetic sense; what a fine man he is.

8 more weeks (yes, i've started a countdown and that can only mean one thing! O god...!) til everything's settled.
8 more weeks to family and friends.
8 more weeks to the food I crave.

8 more weeks to hope and excitement; conversations with a new-found kindred spirit

8 more weeks to the same corner of my room; chewing my hair out. I couldn't possibly do that anywhere else in the whole wide world.

The Young Punk Renaissance...

It's been a crazy two weeks this time around. Crazy enough that I am constantly restless and perturbed because i have so many thoughts in my mind that overwhelm me... It's like they are all spilling out in the process of cramming into my brain.

I am dreaming about what I would dream in my dream.

And then after all that craziness, flightiness and hysteria, there comes a moment where each and every thought becomes insync with one another. It is as if your brain collapses in exhaustion; yet it doesn't. It only becomes more efficient and well oiled. Right now, at this very instant I liken my brain to a well oiled machine in which all the different parts are working in tandem, in sync.

I am 20 and there are definitely things about me that are changing. I personally hate change because of the fear of the unknown.Yet i find myself increasingly welcoming it into my life right now. The thought of not knowing what I am going to become and what I am capable of are things that I am vEry paranoid about. It wrecks me with fear to think about the future- u know the usual... [job, husband, kids,aging etc] Yet change from the conventional is quirky, and makes you feel youthful and invincible. It is refreshing and renews one's spirit.

Change has made me appreaciate the things that remain constant. Like Casablancas's voice, he won't change it for no one. Sure, compromises are made along the way and everyday, we lose a little of our selves[ our values, our essence, our creativity]. But it sure is comforting to know that the same set of sensations and thoughts come flooding back when u hear a song that you haven't heard in a long time.

I am therefore 20. The years before this number, i was a little girl with small dreams and big responsibilities. Now, i still have big responsibilities- but i have wild dreams and i am overuled by the young punk renaissance. [the mess, the music and the invicibility]

And yes, I'm guessing it will always be 3a.m in Casablancas' voice.

What's on today's agenda?

Night after night
You turn out the light
You don't fall asleep right away
"Are we... are we done?"

A desk to organize
A product to advertise
A market to monopolize
Movie stars you idolize
Leaders to scandalize
Enemies to neutralize
No time to apologize
Fury to tranquilize
Weapons to synchronize
Cities to vaporize

The Ize of the World- The Strokes.

Family and stuff...

"They can't just do that!" she says. They make the mess all they want, then just walk away; as if completely and utterly inconsequential. It seems it is what they do best. And after all these years of dark ambiguity, they come back into their lives. "You're right", the daughter said. "It would be better if we could forgive them but why the hell should we?

"Anger is better held onto than let go for some things."